I know it is frustrating, but this is normal for some children. Especially older children that have younger siblings. Everyone expects them to grow up, and often they feel they get less attention than the younger ones. The younger ones basking in attention seem to respond well.

Generationally speaking, we have different ideas of work and how it is passed on to children. I have seven children and my oldest will be 30 years old in a few months. I have tried many ways of getting work done in my home. A few years ago, I read an article by a local college professor about family work. It resonated with me. I came home and tore up the chore charts.

1. I feel it is challenging to get family work going when that is not how we were reared. We do not fully understand it and its aims.

2. Our society that brought office and factory models into the home after WWII does not help much either. With the high divorce rate and the high rate of two parent incomes among those still married, we get a lot of societal pressures for earlier and earlier independence and autonomy of children.

3. Our prosperity as a society brings far too many things into a child's life and room that distract them. We live in a society that has cultivated the idea of entertainment as the ultimate goal. This leads to attitude of, work is something we do, to get out of the way so we can have fun. When that attitude takes place, then mediocre work and school work results. Often parents unwittingly convey these attitudes to their children, as well.

This brings me to questions I had to ask myself:
What has been the role of work and entertainment in our home?
Do I show joy in work?
Does dad come home from work and "unwind?"
Does dad play a cheerful active role in work, inside and outside around the home? About his job?
What about mom?
Do my children have too many things and distractions?
Do I enjoy working along side with my children, chatting and building relationship as we go?
Or do I just see work as menial tasks that have to be done?

When we turned to family work, it took time to retrain thinking (mine and theirs) and replace the old paradigm. Husbands tend to be slower in catching on. Many had little example in their fathers and they do not fully grasp the relationship and emotional growth that comes in working with their children. Sometimes I realize my child needs more of me, and I help them make their bed, and they help me make mine. It might help to think relationship first, instead of task oriented. Am I trying to rear a house or a child?

The growth towards independence is gradual and not an on off switch. As a child gains competence and feels valued, rather than criticized and inept, they begin to trust themselves and also want to give value back. This is a slower process for some. Poor self worth and self value can slow the process. Too many things can slow the process. Too many distractions can slow the process. These are all core phase issues. We, as parents need to be more concerned about building trust, value, love, then getting our children independent and on autopilot. The later will come, and it will come faster and with less tears, if we tend to core phase and enjoy it with them.

When people come to dinner, they ask to help, and then they sit back as we all work to set the table and get the condiments and salad fixings on the table, then the meal, and then the clean up. Someone said they were amazed that it worked like a well oiled machine. That did not happen over night. We have been using family work for about five years now.

I reared my oldest three the old chore way. They were doing chores very young, and I was always riding them. I paid, I did not pay, I gave privileges and removed them. They are 25-29 now and all hard workers, but I feel they could have learned to be more team players.

My 19 yo was raised with the family work model. She is married and a hard worker and a team player. Oh, and life has been so much pleasanter as we worked together and chatted as we went, instead of me having to light a stick of dynamite, so to speak to keep them on track. She told me one day that when she was little it did not matter to her, now she cannot stand a messy house. She and her new husband work together when he is home, and she maintains everything when he is not. They have a rhythm of working she at home, he at work, she at home and he studying, and together when both are home and not studying. There is no oneupmanship of boy have I had a day. They both value each other and each other's contributions. There seems to be a mutual sacrifice and also cooperative labor. So, they began married life this way and as their babies grow up, they will grow up in family work through relationships.

Some of the articles that influenced me:

http://magazine.byu.edu/?act=view&a=151

http://www.meridianmagazine.com/voices/001025everyday.html

There is a lot more to the advantages of Family Work than most think.

Seek epiphanies. Enjoy the journey.

I just wanted to say that in my mind the inspire not require applies to learning, not cleaning. Cleaning and doing family work is absolutely required in our house. We use Love and Logic, but there are a lot of good disipline programs out there the key is to be consistant and have consequences that matter to her. I like Love and Logic because it teaches you to think about what the natural consequences of the wrong action would be and then fit those into a disipline tool. For instance, one family had animals that had to be fed, you couldn't let them go without but reguardless of how the begged cajoled yelled and threatened the children wouldn't do it with out a reminder from the parents until late (too late for the hungry animals) at night. One day after reading about this method they said to their children. The animals have to be fed by 7 pm. It is your responsibility, I will not remind you because you are old enough to remember on your own. Then they waited. The children followed their old pattern and 7pm came with hungry animals still waiting to be fed. The mom quietly put on her coat went outside and fed the animals. Then she came back in and told the children that because they did not fulfill their family responsibilities they no longer got the privledges that went with it and they would have to go to bed immediately. In addition they would be responsible for paying their mother the same amount that they would have had to pay someone outside of the family to feed the animals. No voices (except probably the children's) were raised, and the children quickly learned to go out before 7 because once their mom started it was too late. The Idea is to hold them accountable for their actions.
Julie

I can relate! My 6 year old has the same issue with his attitude toward helping out at home. I've recently been reading a GREAT book by Dr. Kevin Leman called "Have a New Kid by Friday" that is really helping out. I highly recommend the read. You could call it "inspiration" for helping children's attitudes, behavior and character change. I hope that helps! Give it a try before returning your children to public school.