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Sincerely,
Russell Keppner
TJEdRefers generally to the concepts presented in the book A Thomas Jefferson Education, written by Dr. Oliver DeMille. We also have an Introduction to Thomas Jefferson Education available elsewhere on this site..org Administrator
Thank you!
Thanks for all of your comments and support. Things have been pretty stressful lately. We recently moved closer to our families and it has been a blessing but also a challenge. We are glad to have them more involved in our children's lives, but it can be frustrating sometimes. They all say that they will support us in our decision to homeschool, but we can tell that they don't agree with it. My sister even said "so now that you're moving back, are you still going to homeschool?" They don't seem to understand that this has been a complete lifestyle change for us. We didn't make this decision because of the area we lived in. We made this decision because it is the only way to give our children the education they deserve.
We bought the book for our parents, thinking that they would have the same life altering experience that we did when we read it, but that wasn't the case. (Which amazed me, lol, I thought any one who read A Thomas Jefferson Education would see how wonderful it is.) They understand the basics, but I guess it just didn't click with them.
I feel like I am doing the right things with my son, but I can't tell you how many times people have said I should put him in preschool, or set up more playdates. I know that family is the most important, so I'll stick with it! I'm grateful for these forums and everything I've learned!! Thanks again. :)
Socialization for Core Phase
Play with them, work with them, sing with them, read to them, worship with them, explore with them, garden with them, etc..
Sometimes we invite others to dinner and time together.
We take daily walks through the neighborhood and a few friends have children my kid's ages. We would stop and the kids would play while the adults chatted in the shade of the globe willow.
Take him to a park to play.
We make outside time a regular habit. I believe in No Child Left Inside, and the green hour!
My youngest is now 9. I have seven and we started TJEdRefers generally to the concepts presented in the book A Thomas Jefferson Education, written by Dr. Oliver DeMille. We also have an Introduction to Thomas Jefferson Education available elsewhere on this site. in the summer of 1994, hs in 2003. My oldest three had cousins their age. My youngest four had no cousins their age.
I have a daughter that just married and her husband was the oldest, and she was the oldest of my younger four. They decided we are not in-laws, we are family. So we spend time with family.
Remember that boys can be slower to develop than girls, physically, academically, and socially.
How to Learn Social Skills
I have two boys about 4 years apart so I am in a similar situation, only I just have the two boys. They are now 15 and 11 and we have always homeschooled.
At first I used to assure people that my children would get just as much socializing as public school kids - sports, scouts, dance, martial arts, playdates, story time at the library, etc., etc.
Now I have come full circle and I tell people I don't want my kids to have as much socializing as public school kids. I look at socializing (the way they do it in PS) as akin to junk food - too much is bad for your health!
Have you ever observed a group of similar age kids "socializing" together? They get what I call a Pack Mentality. They divide into leaders and peons, they show off for each other, they do things they normally wouldn't do if they were at home - like lock each other out of rooms, and other mean things!
Now I try to limit how much time my kids spend with other kids, especially if it is not structured time with an adult in charge. They still ask for it nearly every day (just like they ask for ice cream nearly every day), and I tell them no most of the time, just like I say no about the ice cream almost all the time.
Let me ask you a question: from whom would you rather learn to sky-dive? An expert who knows how to do it because they have experience, or a friend of yours who has the same amount of experience as you - none? Me, I'd rather learn from the first guy. And so would everyone of whom I have ever asked this question.
Then why does everyone think it is OK to allow children to learn social skills from other children their same age with the same amount of social skills experience? I want my kids to learn social skills from people who have them. And that is usually either adults or older children.
So what I have done is try to never leave my kids with a teenage sitter but instead put them into a family setting. When my boys were 5 and 1 through about age 8 and 4 I beloinged to a babysitting co-op. We kept points as we babysat for each other and the kids were in a home with other children of various ages and social skills, along with a caring adult to supervise. They were given the opportunity to learn sharing and patience while observing the adult and older children, and then they were given the chance to share and be patient with younger children than themselves. (of course, as they got older there were less older children in the group because we were the only homeschoolers).
I now have two fine young men about whom people always pay great compliments on how polite and well mannered they are. I never have complaints from the families who watched them. They have social skills.
So my advice is the same as what the others have said. Keep them home as much as possible and moniter their social time. I would recommend not just finding friends their own age but find families with lots of children with whom they can mingle. Children who can be examples fro them as well as children on whom they can practice their skills of sharing, patience, etc.
Occasionally have playdates but don't make it the rule. And when you do, try not to just let the kids run amok. If you do, then at least be nearby to stop any inappropriate behavior before it gets out of hand.
Studies show that children put into preschool excel academically but they are deficient in self-assuredness and social skills. Children need the loving, nuturing environment which can only be found in a home with a loving mother (and father). Keep them near your breast as much as possible until they are older.
Jody
I just wanted to chime in,
I just wanted to chime in, that I have a new 5 yr old who is VERY social. She's so social, that I've almost contemplated putting her in kindergarten, just to let her socialize. But, TJEdRefers generally to the concepts presented in the book A Thomas Jefferson Education, written by Dr. Oliver DeMille. We also have an Introduction to Thomas Jefferson Education available elsewhere on this site. principles always bring me back to what I know deep down is true....that she needs to be HOME and with ME (and dad and sisters) more than anything or anyone else.
Our biggest problem, is that since she was 2-3 yrs old, she had pretty consistent playdates with some little girls in our ward--twins---and they've recently moved. They played together probably 2-3 times a week for several hours at a time, either at our home or theirs. Now that they live on the other side of town, its not as convenient to set up play time. My DD isn't as interested in the other kids in the ward her age (there aren't many as it is), so sometimes she's in a real quandry and just begs and begs and begs for someone her age to play with.
Then, my 9 yr old is also having a hard time socially, in our ward, to get anyone at all to play with. I don't think the other kids do it on purpose, but because she is HS'd and they aren't, they mostly forget that she exists for playtime.
I've had to really convince my girls that it truly is okay to just socialize and play together with one another, and they don't need to have friends all the time. Its a little harder because my girls are all nearly four years apart (ages almost 13, 9 and 5), so its sometimes a challenge for them all to find a common area of interest to do together. But, they do it.
Aside from all that, we have been involved in HS groups ever since we started (4+ years ago). So the kids have had pretty regular "SOCIAL" interaction with a huge group of kids of varying ages all this time. This coming year, I think I've pretty much decided that I don't want to be in a group like that (I need a break!), but will more or less just set up playtime and random field trips with our other HS friends. Between that and church, kids that young really shouldn't need anything else.
If you really want something a little extra for your kids, you could always check out story time at the library. Our children's librarian does a totally awesome job of storytime...almost like a mini-preschool because she has coloring, games and activities that go along with the story she reads that day. That way your kids are still with you, but they get the added social time with other little children and outside adults.
Good luck! I'm sorry you're family has even made this an issue!
I am apalled!
akallred,
First of all, I think it was very rude and undermining of your God-given authority as a parent for your family to all gang up on you at a family dinner. (!!!) If it were me, with my husband's help, I would write a letter to each member of my family, and let them know, in no uncertain terms, that my parenting decisions are NOT up for discussion or debate. (I mean, would YOU tear apart your sister's/brother's decision to expose their children to the poisons of public school?!!! *grrr* Sorry, this REALLY ticks me off!) If they then wish to continue to attack our family's choices, then we would skip extended family events. I'm sure you and your husband are great parents and deserve respect for your choices.
Your children were sent by God to YOUR home, NOT to anyone else's! Your extended family has NO stewardship over your children and their educations.
I agree with HFWM-- you can always set a better example to your children than any other 4yo could. Core Phase is for Play, yes, but it's also the time to learn Truth, Work, and how to be a contributing member of a Family. No one can effectively do that while they are away from the home! LOL! There are always play dates with friends, or Park Days with homeschool groups. Over-socialized toddlers and preschoolers are TROUBLE. Just visit any daycare, and you'll find lots of examples of this!
Sweetie, just remember that God sent your babies to YOU. YOU and your husband are the experts of your family. NO ONE ELSE has the authority to make decisions on their behalf. If God meant for your other family members to raise them, He would NOT have sent them to YOUR home! When you start to doubt yourself, go to the Lord in prayer and ask for His help. He won't let you down!
In a huff (*wink*),
Rachel Keppner
"ASPIRE to INSPIRE before you EXPIRE!"
I have to add
I have to add a bit, thinking about my current 3 1/2 yodd and my 1yods. My eldest son is 16, then I have a 15yodd, 13yods, 11yodd, 7yodd, and then the two youngest. My older children, ages 16 and 15, are comfortable spending hours studying or going to Scout camp for three weeks a summer; they have adjusted to being home only part time and are actually happier doing so, because they are mature enough, ready enough, to learn more than I have time to teach them at home. My 13yods does no more than a week away from home at a time, his choice, because he cannot stand to be away from his brothers and sisters that long. He also strongly prefers to have his mom home, for stability; it gives him, a big strong strapping boy, a sense of security to know his mother and father back him up. My 11yodd has spent several years mostly at home or at church; in our current congregation her church age group includes her two younger sisters and no one else--there are no other regularly attending children her age. She has reached the point of needing a wider social circle, because she's maturing past what she can get at home. But her sheltered position, associating with family members mostly, with her mother and a close family friend as Sunday School teachers, has been good for her. She has taken a little longer to mature and she has needed more time with her parents. My 7yodd wants people to play with her, but particularly her parents, because her parents will do whatever she wants them to. She's not mature enough yet to compromise a lot in what she wants to play. She does okay with family, but her attention span is shorter than her older brothers' and sisters' spans. She's not yet a good loser at games (cries and carries on something awful, which is normal at her age). She still needs the shelter of more mature leaders. My 3yodd and my 1yods spend most of their time either in the same room with me or in the same area I'm in. If I set up camp in a room doing something, in a little while they'll both be in there with me, not necessarily paying any obvious attention to me, but present. They feel insecure when they're not with a parent, and for my 1yo, Daddy will not do. It has to be Mommy.
This is not bad! This is normal for their respective ages. They learn trust and security in Core Phase. If, as with my 11yodd, their Core Phase is delayed or disturbed, they need to go back to it and relearn trust and security, so that when they are ready to venture outward, they will know who they are and will know that they are of value. The best place to learn security is in a place of security, where the environment is controlled by more mature people (parents) who are devoted to helping their children become more independent, gradually, with love. The best place to learn trust is with trustworthy people. They will have the rest of their lives to experience let-downs. Home should be a place of loving reliability.
There is a time to prune and push; it is not in Core Phase. You don't start trimming seedlings; you wait until they are well established with sturdy stems, lots of leaves, and strong root systems. The roots and stems grow in Core Phase. The leaves really branch out in Love of Learning. Then and only then, after there are lots of branches to work with, can plants be successfully pruned into glorious productive trees.
no sweat
Don't stress over this. The proof is in the pudding. The children will do BETTER in your care than in the company of other 4 year olds. Think about the maturity of yourself compared to the maturity of a 4 year old, and then remember that the children model their behavior on what they see. You cannot count on another 4yo modeling good behavior (they might, briefly, but they will also model typical 4yo self-centeredness). Time is on your side. Your 4yo will not be harmed by spending lots of time with Mommy and Daddy, and if you teach, model, and lovingly enforce polite behavior, your 4yo will soon be gaining recognition from other adults for being polite and helpful. But this will also make your 4yo stick out among other children; some children will think your polite child is weird. Oh, well!